Jillian R.

If Jester could be a video game character, he would be in an action-packed one called "Jester: A Fight for Freedom"

His powers would include the following:

1.       Road Runner Attack: After a pee-pee or a doo-doo he will aim his hind legs at you (attempting to cover waste), no matter where you try to position yourself to avoid them; and kick dirt at you

2.       Double Meat Club Pounce: Uses his front paws (meat clubs) and pounces on his toys, our feet, us…

3.       Nibble Attack: This only happens when we have no choice but to muzzle him. With his limited jaw movement, he tries to nibble at us

4.       Scoop Attack: This only happens if he has his cone on. Without the ability to bite/nibble at us easily, he scoops conefulls of dirt and flings it at us; for revenge, of course

5.       Innocent Bystander Attack: Steps on our faces, stomach, or any other body part while we’re watching TV or sleeping

6.       Cold Nose Attack: Pokes us with his cold, wet nose, and follows us around the room with it. This attack is also used to wake us up in the morning, followed by yanking the covers away
(Variation: Cold Nose on Your Junk Attack; self explanatory)

7.       Tangled Up in Leash Attack: This only happens when he’s on a leash, he walks around the leash-holder (a.k.a US), wrapping the leash around our legs. “Fall mommy! Fall!

8.       [Classic] Kick-You-In-The-Face Attack: Self explanatory. Happens when we’re laying down on the bed/couch

9.       Prison Break Attack: Chews on walls around the apartment. He will slowly but surely escape in time.

10.   Jackal Glare: After a punishment or while wearing the muzzle, he will sit nearby (us) and stare at us with a downward glare. Making sure we know that he is upset

11.   Racist-Little-B**tard Battle Cry: Whenever he sees a dark skinned person AND if that person shows any signs of fear of dogs, he will first bark and try to lunge at them, when we tug on the leash and he doesn’t get to “eat” them, he cries pitifully

12.   Open-Mouth-Ramming Attack: Runs at us with his mouth open. Pokes us with sharp teeth

13.   Quick Draw Attack: A variation of No.12, “draws” his jaws and aims at enemies (a.k.a us)

14.   Round House Swipe: Stares at something (or someone; a.k.a us) fragile (e.g. expensive sunglasses, headphones, glass…) for a few seconds, then swings his meat clubs at it, attempting to break it

15.   Sabotage: A variation of No.14, however in “Sabotage”, he finds our favorite things (HE KNOWS!) while we’re not looking and destroys them. This usually happens when he feels ignored

16.   Brave Heart: He lays on his back, with one or both meat clubs up in the air for “FREEDOM”!

17.   Cold Shoulder Defense: A variation of the “Jackal Glare” (No. 10), but in this version, he comes and sits near you (usually huffs to MAKE SURE you know he’s there) then turns away from you with hatred. Happens after a punishment or while wearing the muzzle

18.   Jester Grab Attack: Grabs random things (whatever he can reach) and runs very confidently into the other room with us running after him

19.   Crazy-Puppy-Time Whirlwind Attack: He runs around the room at top speed, being everywhere at once and attacks using all the above powers simultaneously

And finally, if all else fails;

20.   Cuteness Defense: A very powerful defense mechanism which involves cute puppy eyes, ears down, and often achieves forgiveness within a few seconds

Disclaimer: No humans were meat clubbed during the creation of this post.

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